Friday, August 20, 2010

Reason #6357 of Why I'm Glad I Don't Have Kids

I think over the period of the last 2 weeks I have managed to worry myself into an ulcer.

After being unemployed for the better part of the year & making Goddess knows how many phone calls to prospective employers & endless numbers of applications, I finally had a job. Well, I had an offer of employment & a trip to orientation. For those not in the know, getting a trucking job is slightly different than a regular job. Technically you aren't a real employee unless you make it through orientation, which includes a DOT physical & a drug screen & they hand you your fuel card & keys, at least at most companies. Most companies pay you for this orientation period, generally 2-3 days, but not until you have completed the entire process & if you flunk out for any reason, you get nothing. Unless the prospective employer is J.B. Hunt.

I had applied for a local position with J.B. for doing store deliveries out of the new Home Depot in Van Buren, OH. My application was accepted & I drove to Louisville for orientation. The first day was spent doing a few thing on the computer to finalize our applications, DOT physicals, drug screens & road tests. I must say I couldn't believe how rusty my shifting was after 5 months, but I digress. Day 2 was the J.B. Hunt physical which includes a step test, moving some weights around, & climbing onto this table like thing made to resemble the back of a trailer. Well I didn't make it pass the step test. You have to step up & down for 3 minutes, then they check your heart rate. It has to be down to 120 in 5 minutes. Mine was 125 after 5 minutes. Sorry, no job for you.

Now on to the worrying part. I actually got paid for those 2 days of orientation. A whole $118.05. Not bad pay considering most of the time I was sitting on my ass reading my nook or knitting. So I come home all dejected & pissed off & proceeded to spend the next 2 days getting drunk. Then comes time to refile my unemployment. I fill in all the pertinent info & being the honest person that I am I report the monies actually made during my 2 days of 'employment'. Come that Friday, I check my online statement & I only got payed for 1 week. At first I figured because I had income they would figure out the rest later that week. On Tuesday I go to the post office & check my mail & there is a letter from the communist State of Illinois Unemployment Office saying I may no longer be eligible because of my 2 days of employment. Cue heart palpitations & light headedness.

So after worrying myself sick for the last 2 weeks & applying to even more jobs, Wednesday rolls around & I refile my unemployment once again. All day Wednesday & Thursday I was a wreck wondering if I was going to get a check this week. I was thinking OMG I have to SELL ALL THE THINGS. Truth be told I'd rather sell a kidney than my nook, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do, being a semi-responsible adult & all. Cue 08:23 Friday. With much trepidation I logged onto the site where I can check my balance. After tying in my login info, I closed my eyes & clicked. I sat there for a good 5 minutes with my eyes closed, afraid of what I'd see. When I finally got up the nerve to open my eyes, I was never so happy to $738 in my mother fucking life.

What ensued was the happiest nekkid fat girl dance the gods have ever seen.

I so couldn't imagine my stress level if I had to support someone else. Of course if I had kids maybe I could have sold them into white slavery & all my money woes would be over.


  1. I find that interesting. In some states they require you to be gainfully re-employed for six months, some states 3 months, before your UEI will be reinstated. I would venture to say that maybe you did get a bit lucky. You weren't actually on the payroll of J.B. Hunt, but were merely compensated for your time to apply. I'm glad that worked out for you.

    I read a blog the other day, of folks learning to game the system. After their unemployment benefits expire, they find a job no matter how shitty, and just work it until they are eligible to file a reclaim, and then do something to piss their employer off, IE, come into work late, drunk, whatever...then they just refile, and get another 99 weeks or whatever. He and his wife are both doing this, just overlapping. He said(paraphrase), "...Hell, with obama and the current admin., they could do this for the next 2 years.

    I know it is tough out there, and I hope you find something soon!


  2. Unemployment folks can be bastards. They're paid to dole out the funds confiscated from your employer for every hour you worked. They know it's boom town in unemployment land, so they dilligently follow bureaucratic protocol to insure they'll be the last rat on the sinking ship when, and if, employment is better.

    If you're asking yourself: "I wonder why I'm getting a reply so long after I posted?" I'm probably not the person to ask. I don't know either.